Union: The Journey to Self Love

We have heard time and time again, from our parents, our friends, our therapists, various articles and books, so on and so forth, that we must cultivate self-love before we can have a successful healthy relationship with another human being. I feel that this theory tends to get shrugged off more often than not, and we find ourselves swiping through tinder and bumble, or taking that extra shot of tequila at the bar to muster up the liquid courage to hit on the fella (or gal) across the room. We decide to push our cobwebs under the rug and fill the void with the first warm body that expresses interest in us. This may work for awhile, but eventually you’ll realize that even if someone else loves you, the relationship will not sustain itself purely off of that one stream. Your own lack of self love (or theirs) will begin to degrade the relationship.

What about mustering up the actual courage to sign up for a developmental workshop, a meetup, a cooking class, attend ecstatic dance, or something that you place value in where you might meet a like-minded individual in a natural and less forceful way. Mustering up this true courage, rather than liquid courage, starts from within. I am a firm believer in organic connection, and believe that everyone is able attract in their beloved without needing to search whatsoever. Simply start by doing the things that you love and make you happy, and love will pop up when you least expect it.

During this self-love journey that I have embarked upon for the last 8 months, I determined that if I can’t confidently have sex with a man while I am sober with the lights on, I shouldn’t be having sex with him at all. Now, this is my personal guideline and by no means has to be anyone else’s. Don’t get me wrong, I dig some good mood lighting, but I think you know what I mean. In order to achieve this you must couple self-love with self-confidence. If that means going on a bit of a dry spell, then so be it. For me personally, sex is sacred. It is the absolute most intimate energy exchange that there is. It is the merging of two worlds, of two experiences. It is making and co-creating love. I strive for a tantric and unconditional sexual experience with another. I personally don’t want a sub par experience when I know the potential that lies within. To create something that is out of this world with someone, you have to confidently love and respect yourself, and never settle for anything less than you deserve.

I would love to welcome a magnificent healthy love into my life, where I have someone who respects me, reveres me, and loves me unconditionally. An unwavering and supportive figure who is my “partner in light” in this crazy beautiful journey of a life! However, in order to attract a person like this into my experience, I have to respect, revere, and love myself unconditionally first and foremost. Simply put, as within so without. I decided to start breaking this down piece by piece and understand how I needed to love myself based upon the qualities and experiences I wish for in a relationship.

I would live to have a man caress my body each and every night in a loving sensual way, while cuddling on the couch watching a move, or listening to our favorite music in bed. (On an aside, I am becoming much more aware of the words I use, as words are very powerful believe it or not. For example, instead of saying “I would kill for some ice cream right now,” or “I killed it on my presentation today,” I have decided to use the word live! It feels much lighter, plus I sure as heck don’t want to kill anything!). Now back to a man caressing my body every night! I thought simply to myself, if I desire a man to take time and energy out of his day to caress me, I should also be taking that same time and energy to caress my own body, in order to expect and receive this type of adoration into my life. When I say I desire a man to caress me every night, I mean purely that - a non-sexual loving touch. I decided to finally concoct my own lotion after too long went by of having taken an online herbal medicine course. The course taught me how to make tinctures, syrups, and all sorts of body care. My own self doubt and inner critic held me back from creating these beautiful potions for too long. Don’t we all love imposter syndrome… Alas, I finally created my own personal homemade rose lotion out of shea butter, coconut oil, almond oil, and rose absolute. The process of making this was incredibly fun and already began opening the gate for self-love to enter. Now, as part of my nightly routine, I take 15 minutes to caress rose lotion all over my body, from my head to my toes and especially the booty! I do this every single night and I haven’t missed one yet. If you can’t take 15 minutes of your day to love on your own body and nurture your own skin, how can you expect someone else to do it for you? Going back to the original list I laid out at the beginning of this blog post, I mentioned that I would love a man who values me. By allowing myself 15 minutes of attention and self love time, I am showing reverence upon my body - utmost love and respect. We make time for the things we value in life. My skin has honestly never been so soft! I’m astonished by the changes I have seen, not only physically in the softness of my skin, but in the non-physical and mental aspects of love for myself. As I rub lotion into each area of my body, I also become aware of the immense gratitude I have for my body. It’s been nothing but a win-win experience so far.

Another piece of a relationship I desire is words of affirmation. I would love for my future partner to tell me that I am beautiful once per day. I would love for my partner to uplift me not only in the challenging times of life, but also in the positive flow of life. I decided once again, to turn this around on myself. Do I tell myself I am beautiful once per day? Do I tell myself that I am worthy, that I am funny, or that I am enough? So back to the drawing board I went, quite literally! I began writing on my mirror with a whiteboard marker different phrases of affirmation such as “I am worthy,” “I am enough,” “I am worthy of healthy love and abundance,” “I love myself,” and of course “I am beautiful.” I figured the mirror was a great place to start, because I am staring myself straight in the face. I can’t hide from myself in this moment. It’s a chance to be vulnerable and receive self love by making eye contact with yourself. Don’t think I stopped at the mirror! I decided I didn’t want to be limited and tethered to my mirror, so I bought a very small whiteboard so I could be portable and write down affirmations from the comfort of my bed, or even take on trips with me. I have been thoroughly enjoying falling in love with myself in these ways.

On a symbolic note to tie up this topic…

I recently took a hiking trip to Yosemite. I initially invited someone very near to my heart, and said I would love for him to join me, but that there was no pressure as I was planning to go on the trip regardless. By the time the trip snuck up on me, I hadn’t heard from him and realized I was going by myself. I didn’t think twice, and I didn’t turn back on my word. I packed up my hiking gear, drove 4 hours and stayed in an Air BnB. My old self would have made a bed in my trunk and rough it, but this time I decided to take a little extra care. I woke up at 5:45am to make myself my famous vegan wrap with good ol’ Bitchin Sauce (yes the sauce is actually called bitchin sauce), and drive the final 2 hours into Yosemite Valley so I could start my 20 mile hike with ample time. I hadn’t been to Yosemite in almost a year and wasn’t sure what feelings it would incite in me. I was listening to Indian Summer as I curved through the Valley floor, when Half Dome made its first appearance without warning, and again, without warning, tears began streaming down my face. Don’t worry, these were not sad tears by any means. Yosemite is a magical and powerful place. So powerful that it will move you to tears if you are open to its vulnerability. I made it to the trailhead of 4-mile trail and began the 3,200 feet elevation gain. There was a point called Union Point about 3 miles up the trail. Union is a word that has found its way into my experience over the past few years, and tends to come up at certain times in my life. About 2 and 1/2 years ago I had a dream that I went to Yosemite with a life partner and they told me they were in love with me. I remember the dream feeling so visceral, almost as if it were a memory of the future. I thought I might be experiencing that dream on this Yosemite trip had the person I invited come with, but as I was ascending the mountain alone up to Glacier Point, I came to the beautiful climax of my self-love journey. The conclusion I came to once I reached Union Point, was that I have to come into Union with myself, before I can come into Union with another. I have to come to the full self-realization, re-birth, and re-embodiment of my Divine Feminine in order to come into Union with my Divine Masculine. As Abraham Hicks states, “one must first mate with their own soul, in order to call in their soulmate.” And with this realization, I found pure peace within, and finished the remaining 17 miles of my hike wearing a smile of contentment.

The self-love journey is by no means over for it is a constant practice. I am going to continue diving into each area of love that I desire in a relationship, and bestow those qualities upon myself. In completing this work and elevating into the best version of myself, my life partner will be the sole (soul) beneficiary to my completeness, to my wholeness. I wish for a love that will last a lifetime and I will not settle for anything less. I look forward to the day where my atoms coalesce with another in a timeless dance of harmony and bliss.